surviving high school
I don't know if anyone really wants to be a woman. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to be a woman, and I'm even prouder to be a trans woman, but when people talk about transitioning they talk about it as if it's the last possible choice. Our bodies are not permanent beings. Gender shouldn't be either.
When I transitioned socially around 8th grade, (I'm a college freshman now, you do the math) I didn't think "hmmmmmm maybe I should be a girl. Life would be better." In fact, this was the time in American Politics when the Anti-Trans movement really started gaining traction, and I was scared that my peers would perceive me differently if I came out to them. Eventually, though, I did. As nonbinary and trans femme instead of a trans girl, but I digress.
Coming out so young is a harrowing experience. Especially going into high school, freshly out as a trans girl. Remember this is when Euphoria season one came out, and I was so obsessed with Jules. I wanted to be her so bad. But, I wasn't as cool as her, I was socially inept and really awkward, my face was covered with testosterone poisoned pimples and little patches of facial hair that seemed to grow no matter what I did. I begged my mother to let me go on puberty blockers, but she put it off for a few months.
Additionally, I was also bullied a lot - a visibly queer kid in the middle of suburbia didn't sit well with most people. I was ostracized by the girls and the boys. And also the other gay kids, for some reason. I didn't click with anyone. And it didn't help that I was going to a new high school where none of my friends from elementary or middle school went. I was so alone.
But I look back at those times and I think about how strong I was. How, despite being sexually assaulted and bullied and torn to shreds everyday, I still found it in me to continue marching on. Highschool is a warzone, and I made it through no-mans-land alive. And I'm proud of you, young Erin, for that. No one told you they're proud of you, but I hope you know, I am.
Anyways, today's song is Me & U by Cassie. It's a masterclass in effective minimalism in music. I think most of the song is the same 4 or 8 bar loop, until you get to those bright, stabbing synths.